Tag Archives: rejection

To Respond, or Not to Respond…

I’m sure you like to think you’re a polite person; if someone walked up to you in a bar and said ‘Hey, how’s it going?‘, you wouldn’t turn around, give them a once over and go back to chatting with your friends without so much as a second thought, staunchly ignoring the person who approached you. Because that’s ruuuuude.

So why is it different online? I’m sure there must be some people out there who take the time to respond to EVERY message they receive through their dating accounts, whether it’s to pursue a meet, or to kindly let the person messaging them that they’re not interested…But I don’t know who has the patience for that.

Why? Because on our beloved t’internet, things can get messy. Fast. An instagram site Bye Felipe is largely made up of men abusing women for exercising their right to have preferences, either by rejecting them, or by ignoring them which is essentially rejection without the message.

That’s not the only one! A sub-reddit, CreepyPMs, regularly has online dating conversations uploaded, again largely men berating women for rejecting them, with the help of a message, or without.

They all seem to go through the same motions;

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  1. Poor opening message.
  2. Rejection.
  3. Mental gymnastics asserting he wasn’t interested in the first place because either the rejecter is A. Too fat B. A slut, or C. A stuck up Ice Queen Bitch.

On the flip side, you could remove the effort of trying to be polite (because, it’s not always good for you to be polite) and try to avoid the confrontation that might ensue, assuming you were messaged by some strange man-baby hybrid who throws all the toys out of his pram because he has no chance in hell of seeing, let alone being anywhere near your glorious lady-bits, and ignore the people you’re not interested in.

Gosh you’re wrong again! You still might be in for some abuse! Lucky you!

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Okay, okay. Not all guys respond like this when rejected or ignored, and I’m sure women can throw a shit fit or two as well, the point of this article is, there’s more than one way to skin a cat (is there really? Who would skin a cat? And why? Why would you need more than one way to skin a cat?). Some guys prefer a rejection, some prefer to be ignored; unless you ask specifically, you’re not going to know! So do whatever you feel like doing. Helpful blog is helpful.

Me personally, I choose to ignore the people I’m not interested in. I can’t be dealing with boys throwing their rage at me because I’m too fugly to reject them, or that I’m shallow because they’re 40 years out of my age range, or a closed minded bitch because I couldn’t find anything to interest me in their profile.

I also preferred being ignored if I sent the first message. It was less of a waste of time than getting into a conversation with a guy who had no intention of meeting me and honestly, when I didn’t get a response I shrugged and moved on. There isn’t only one person you might be interested in on a dating site, you rarely find one person to message at a time, so why throw a wobbly over the few that don’t find you compatible?

If you don’t get a response, just keep one thing in mind, guys; She’s just not that into you.

NEXT!

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Some women seem to love arseholes. The “Nice Guy” population can’t fathom it. It’s hard, when you’ve not been the situation before, it’s hard to understand even when you HAVE been through it!

Arseholes aren’t always arseholes. Scary, right?

Sometimes, the arsehole is hiding behind a “Nice Guy” facade; they say all the things you want to hear. They might show a few red flags but, he’s a nice guy right? And he’s interested in you! Awesome! Let those red flags be forgotten and they won’t come to anything…

It’s important in dating to delve into it with a little bit of a guard and a healthy dose of cynicism. Don’t necessarily close yourself off from your date, have fun, relax, enjoy meeting a new person! Exploring all these new and exciting prospects should be fun!

However.

Don’t let yourself be sucked in. He might say he’s a nice guy, he might act like a nice guy, but always be aware of the possibility he might just be ACTING like a nice guy until the ‘fun’ starts.

Don’t dismiss the Red Flags, depending on the severity, collect them. See if it builds a bigger picture. If the picture ain’t too pretty, it’s time for you to move on.

I’ll give some examples;

This guy I dated. I asked, before I slept with him what his aims were in dating. He told me “If I met the right girl, I could settle down“. He wanted me to assume I was quite possibly the right girl, and being a wee on the trashed side, I did. Don’t drink and date, I learned from that one!

This guy kept talking over me, ignoring what I wanted to do in favour of what he wanted to do, then called himself my boyfriend without discussing anything of the sort with me. He was a nice guy, people kept telling me, and he kept telling me. I should’ve trusted my gut earlier. I cut him loose way too late, after 2-3 months. The picture he painted was a control freak which he proved during our little break up chat, and thereafter.

Another guy I know, calls all of his exes pyschos. Gosh, well, I can only assume that as he’s the common denominator in these relationships, it might be something to do with him…Red. Flag.

Your Red Flags might be different to mine, however I think a few should be pretty major whoever you are and no matter your preferences;

Controlling behaviour
Planning a date is great, but perhaps taking you to a gore-porn flick when you’ve made it clear you can’t stand horror films, or even ordering your food and drinks at your dinner date shows they can’t really give a rats ass about your preferences. It can only go downhill from there. NEXT!

Flaking on dates
If someone’s in A&E, it’s probably best to let this one slide, but backing out of a date half an hour before you’re supposed to meet for any other reason is a big NEXT. He’s well aware you’ve been getting ready for an hour and you might even be on your way. Unless someone’s dead or in a coma, there’s no excuse for this disregard of your time. NEXT!

Negative outlook
This might be more of a preference, however I find people with a negative outlook tend to drag you down to their level. People are supposed to be on their best behaviour on dates, and your date is whinging about the food, the wine, the weather, the month…oh dear god. Good luck to you if you want to pursue those with a negative outlook, but for me it’s NEXT!

Insults, thinly veiled, back handed or otherwise
OH Hell no. A bit of banter can be fun, I love a bit of back and forth trading playful insults, however there is a trend of ‘negging‘, giving a girl a backhanded compliment in order to ‘bring her down to your level’; to wound your self esteem, essentially manipulating you into clawing for their approval. Oh what fun. NEXT!

Boundary pushing
Not into having another drink? Tough, date over here wants you shitfaced so they’ll coerce, manipulate, whine, insult, harrass, nag or even guilt you into having another drink. Not into making out? See Above. Not into having sex so soon? See above. NEXT!

No interest in you
Yeah people love talking about themselves, but dating is about finding out about each other to see whether you’re a good fit, compatible, don’t want to kill each other, all that romantic jazz. It’s not for the other person to monologue about themselves and forget all about you. You’re there too, do you really have nothing interesting worth talking about? (Hint, you do: It’s you!) NEXT!

To much, too soon 
Dropping the L bomb after spending 2 hours in each others company might not happen, but they may well blow up your phone with calls and texts, making incessant demands on your time, they might push for an exclusive relationship quickly i.e. before you actually know anything about each other, and they might make a lot of ‘us’ statements about the future. It can feel great, but this level of obsession with a basic stranger is pretty extreme. Maybe don’t NEXT! But take a big step back and proceed with caution.

Have I missed anything? Which Red Flags have you come across on dates?

 

 

The Thrill of the Chased

I’m not used to being chased…it’s definitely a new, interesting and quite frankly enjoyable phenomenon that has come with increased confidence, and a loss of approximately 5 stone. Which the winner is here, is anyone’s guess. Confidence is attractive I agree, but I’m leaning towards the more aesthetically pleasing svelte size 10 figure…I digress.

As I was saying. I’m not used to being chased. I was the one chasing for many years, it was a role reversal I was not comfortable with given my extremely fragile ego and a phobia of rejection. The chase was not thrilling for me, at all. It would often end in tears, whether I was successful in my pursuit, or not.

If I was unsuccessful for whatever reason, I took it very, very personally. I felt humiliation, bitterness and utter self loathing. No one liked me because I was fat. I was destined to die alone with a houseful of cats.

I didn’t get it. I get on with men famously; I have a lot of male friends…was I always going to be friend zoned? Even the men I knew who would rather be with the wrong person than be alone, chose to be alone rather than be with me. I know, such self pity…it’s not attractive, is it?

When I was successful in snagging a man for a night, it was equally destructive. I won, but I lost at the same time…the guys were just using me. I knew it, they knew it…but I always hoped that it wasn’t the case. That he’d see that inside the squishy, buxom exterior I was actually awesome; funny, smart and caring. But they never did. My ego got a stroking when I managed to capture a man that was way out of my league for the night, but shortly after came more self loathing and more self pity. They took me home because I was their best offer that night. Some were nice enough to keep me as a friend with benefits; they threw me a bone and I was happy with the scraps.

I was ‘seeing’ one guy for an entire 3 months before he finally told me he simply didn’t fancy me. He didn’t even like me. At all. Never did. Three months. Can you even imagine how strong my denial was to get through 3 months without really realising I was being utterly taken advantage of? How deep in the gutter my confidence was? Perhaps I did realise, I just couldn’t accept it. Wouldn’t accept it. Without him I was truly on my own, and there was no worse punishment then spending even more time by myself – I hated myself. My looks, my personality, my weight, my life. All of it.

It was all a vicious cycle, and eventually it broke. I decided enough was enough, I was tired of being mournful and cynical and hateful. I was sick to death of hating myself and everyone else. In counselling I had a breakthrough; I realised I used my weight as a big, massive size 18 barrier against the world. I craved closeness, but I was sabotaging my chances of being happy with myself and sabotaging the chance of finding someone who could love me by getting heavier and heavier and eating more and more. It was a mental buffer made physical.

So after having a serious 3 hour sobbing session, I joined the gym, I put myself on a diet and I finally after many ups and downs and a couple of years of plateaus, I hit my target weight. My confidence, although not sky high, has reached levels I never thought were possible whilst cowering in my deep, dark pit of despair.

And now, the men are the ones doing the chasing! I can sit back and enjoy having drinks bought for me. I had dates with 4 different guys one week and all of them wanted to see me again. What a weird experience that was. Very weird, very unusual for me, but very awesome. I can pick and choose who I see again, who I like enough to consider a second date with, and who’s worth my time as it’s pretty precious these days. It never crossed my mind I’d be able to pick from a lineup of guys, never. And here it is. A shedload of weightloss and a huge helping of personal growth along with it. Life can be kindof awesome these days.

Getting Over It and Moving On

I’m talking about the short term romances/disappointing dates/one nighters that turn into maybe 7 nighters…not relationships where big investments are involved, emotional, financial…that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

Me? I’m a moper. For a while at least. I over-analyse, I wonder what the hell happened and what went wrong, why did he behave the way he did, was it my fault? Or is he just a massive raging dick?

More often than not, all the questions don’t get answered. You can only glean so much from the brief contact you had with the person in question so at some point you have to come to some sort of half baked conclusion, get up, dust off and move the hell on.

Moving on means different things to different people, but for me, it seems the best tack is learning a bit from the situation and getting back on the horse. You don’t necessarily have to view dating as all sunshine and roses especially after a knock back, but being brave enough to fling yourself back into the pit is often good enough.

Shortly after my miserable disappointment I moped for 2 or 3 days. I was frustrated, obviously. I didn’t want to go on more shoddy dates with unsuitable men and deal with the social awkwardness that meeting complete strangers involves. But if you want the hope of a shiny new relationship you can’t just sit in your flat and watch an inordinate amount of Netflix, eating an incredible amount of cake, smoking an insane amount of cigarettes drinking an inconceivable amount of alcohol and expect Prince Charming to knock on your door…it could happen I suppose but it seems rather unlikely. Especially unlikely if you answer the door in those godawful pyjamas you’ve been wearing for 3 days…

So taking Garth Algar’s profound words “Get over it, go out with somebody else!” to heart I resolved to get back on it; I bit the dating bullet and signed back into my online profiles. I wasn’t expecting much and didn’t have much hope that I would find someone as compatible as the previous guy…But not too long after signing back in I had a few dates lined up, and with that hope renewed itself!

Maybe thanks to a little dogged determination the right guy wasn’t too far out of reach, but he would have been had I sat moping and clinging onto the failure of the past hook ups, continuing to try and figure out why, spending way too much energy on a guy who made it clear he wasn’t prepared to give me what I needed to succeed in a relationship. Amen Garth!

Garth Algar: Love Guru

REJECTION – Y U NO WORK??!

How is it best to reject somone? It’s been likened to taking the plaster off a wound before; rip it off quickly and the initial sting is quick and fades quickly, or peel it off slowly, each hair follicle being torn out individually. The sensation lingers longer perhaps, but it’s less of a shock with each prick of tingly pain.

Until fairly recently, I haven’t had to reject anyone really. The guys took the burden upon themselves to reject me for the most part, so it’s been a bit odd that I’ve had to dive in at the deep end with rejecting dates for a variety of reasons; we just didn’t click, I didn’t fancy him, he had the personality of a loaf of bread…among a few reasons.

I’ve attempted to reject guys both ways, figuring it’s something that should be worked out on a case-by-case basis.

I figure if you’ve been out with someone on more then 2 dates in a brief space of time, the slow fade is a bit mean, but one date? Meh. Sporadic e-mail contact before or after a date? Meh.

I’m not here to debate the morals and ethics of each mode of rejection though, I wanted to share with you the efficacy. Straight up telling the guy “you’re clearly a good bloke but I’m really not that into you” (in a nicer, more fluffy way of course) should be the end of it, really. You don’t feel the thing, time to move on with no hard feelings, end of. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Remember this guy? There was another who, despite it being pretty obvious I wasn’t into him, decided to be petty, passive aggressive and whiney when I told him I didn’t see us going anywhere (not surprisingly, one of the 23 year olds).

The other route is equally flawed. I have slow burned a few, and to be honest, it has a better success rate. It’s not foolproof, but most guys send a couple of texts or emails, they don’t get a response and they move on. Magic!

The reason I decided to write this post now though, is a slow burn is currently epically failing. I had a date with a guy, my needs were not met and his were. Typical. We e-mailed back and forth a bit, we both failed to respond to e-mails within a decent time frame and quite frankly, I couldn’t be arsed to carry on. Geographically, there’s a pretty large wedge between us as well as the rest of the gubbins I didn’t particularly want to deal with.

I stopped responding to his e-mails. I got a couple from him; ‘hey how you doing, lets catch up, blah blah‘, which you expect using this method. Except, this carried on much longer than it usually does. Much longer. Months longer.

Then I finally recieve the email that indicates he’s cottoned on, at last, but of course rather than sucking it up and moving on, he employs the ‘I’m going to manipulate you into writing back to me by expressing my concern that you’re ill/injured/dead in a ditch somewhere‘ technique. Which fails. He drops in the old ‘unless you just don’t want to talk to me 😉 lol!‘ and adds the bonus manipulator of ‘if you don’t, just say so!‘ because that’s just another way to open up a dialogue, which I don’t want. So I don’t respond to that either.

He keeps this up for a good few e-mails over a few weeks. I feel I should point out, he’s e-mailing me more now than he did when we were having an actual e-mail conversation. Hooray for extinction bursts!

He then sends me a text with the same ‘concern’, before reverting back to e-mail, dropping the ‘dead in a ditch‘ technique and carrying on with the ‘hey how are you, lets catch up‘ stuff. It’s never ending. He’s not giving up.

I don’t feel bad for him. It’s been made clear in previous e-mails he really isn’t all that concerned about my welfare, which is part of the reason I stopped responding. It makes it all the more ironic that he expresses his ‘concern’ that I’m not responding is because of something more drastic than just not wanting to talk to him any more.

For now, I’m keeping up the ignoring; if I responded, even negatively, negative attention is still attention – I don’t think he would be deterred. I could block his e-mail address, but I’m (morbidly) curious as to how long he’s going to keep trying…

I’m happy to take bets in the comments.

How Women Wind Up Being Bitches

Chances are if you’re female, you’ve been in this situation. You’re a friendly person, you smile at a guy, you say ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ and you’re generally friendly, jovial and nice.

Turns out, this is flirting. You’ve just given the guy the green light to pursue you.

You might be oblivious at first, you were just being nice after all. You can be friends with men without considering them as sexual partners. I’m not entirely confident that men can be friends with women without at least an element of attraction. It’s that old ‘When Harry Met Sally’ debate.

So, the guy thinks you want him. It takes a lot of convincing on your part that really, you don’t. That you were truly just being nice. You’re concerned though, you want to let him down easy; rejection isn’t fun for anyone, including the rejecter.

You politely decline date requests, ignore his implications that more fun is to be had at his place, you might even have to struggle with him in a deeply uncomfortable ‘play fight’ and again, politely request that he keep his goddamn mitts off you, that you don’t appreciate it.

But hey, you were nice to him right? All those denials mean you’re just being coy, or playing hard to get. Maybe you’re even being a *gasp* prick tease! (Robin Thicke inexplicably popped into my head there…)

After one too many ‘play fights’, inappropriate hugs and perhaps even an attempt to grab your face and struggle to kiss you, you’re probably gonna have to bring out the Bitch card. You’ve tried to be nice, and look where that’s got you.

The ultimate rejection has to be cold, it has to be hard, and most importantly, it has to set boundaries.

After the attempted kiss scenario, mine read;

“I was deeply unimpressed with how last night unfolded. I know I said we should hang out, but that won’t be happening.”

What I really wanted to say;

“What the FUCK is wrong with you, dickhead? When did I give any impression that I wanted you to touch me? Was it when I told you I didn’t want to come back to your place? Was it when I said no to you coming back to mine? Was it even when I was struggling, backing up and saying ‘really, this is happening?! REALLY?!’ when you attempted to forcibly shove your tongue in my mouth?? I felt violated, you absolute delusional prick. Get the FUCK out of my life.”

So, the first message, I feel, was quite restrained. But I’m sure to that guy, it probably made me a bitch.