I wish I could say I didn’t give a shit. I wish I could say for absolute certain that this guy was messing me around and I definitely did the right thing. I wish I could say I knew this guy is a manipulative fuckwit, but I think it’s entirely possible he was just totally oblivious.
Honestly, I think the whole thing was a total clusterfuck. There was too much, too soon – too much intimacy, too much expectation. When something starts with that much intensity, you expect it to carry on.
I don’t really blame myself; you meet someone you like so much, someone with that much potential, someone who ticks every box, someone you’re ridiculously compatable with… you get swept up in it all. I’m just hideously disappointed that it didn’t work out, and it won’t work out. Once you get the label of insane, that’s it, it’s done. You’re a write off.
It feels like I’d just found out I had won the lottery, I was just about to get handed a cheque for £12million, and the wind ripped it out of my grasp and carried away the idea of my exciting new life.
As silly as it might sound, I’m grieving. I’m not grieving the loss of the relationship, there was no relationship, but there was the potential for one. A lot of potential. I had real hope that this would be it, I don’t have to trawl dating sites any more, that I could have someone to share my life with and give my ridiculous amount of affection to. My hope has been shattered, and it’s taken a lot of me with it. Right now, I’m paralysed with a lack of motivation. All I want to do is sit on the sofa, smoking too much and wallowing in self-pity. I know I should get back out there, but I don’t feel ready. It feels like a break up, and I’m still hung up on the guy. Or the idea of the guy…
The kicker? About an hour after we called it quits on our…whatever it was, I got a text. Why is it all the bastards get the girls and he, a nice guy, winds up on the sidelines? I responded with no hard feelings. I explained where it all went wrong with us. It was pretty clear; I think going from that much intensity, attention and a strong implication that this will wind up being a good relationship with a guy I could be really crazy about, and that he could be absolutely crazy about me, to absolutely nothing; no contact, indifference, forgetfulness, would bring crippling insecurity and anxiety in even the most self-assured women, I think. Am I wrong?
In his eyes, I over-reacted. I think I agree, from his perspective anyway. I forget that men don’t do hints, no matter how hard you batter them around the head with it. In order to feel secure, I needed him to make the effort of planning another date with me. I thought I made that clear, but apparently not – by the end of our argument, I still don’t think he understood why I decided to end it.
I made a lot of mistakes, but I’m not blaming myelf here. I’m not blaming him either. We both had a major part in constructing the intensity and expectation. I allowed myself to trust in it and got carried away, but you do that when you think you’re on the same page with someone. I may not have been clear enough about my need for contact from him.
But I do blame him for not taking any responsibility. I take my share of the responsiblity, the end of this non-relationship is down to both of us. I might have, after his continual references to women being crazy, sent him a 6 text lecture about taking responsibility for his behaviour. You behave like a disinterested, manipulative bastard, you’ll get treated like a disinterested, manipulative bastard and it’s no real surprise that women will be pissed at you for behaving that way, for peaking their interest, allowing them to feel safe, and then eventually for making them feel like a mug for believing the hype. That’s not women being insane, that’s women feeling duped.