Tag Archives: expectation

Expect Nothing!

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Online dating is hard. Really, really, ridiculously hard. You have to sift through a lot of shit before you end up finding matches you’re willing to have a conversation with online, let alone meet up with in The Real World. However I think online dating should be taken with little expectation one way or the other.

So you have a date lined up, you have compatibilities, you’re getting dressed, doing the make up, choosing the heels…What are you thinking? “This guy could be the one!”, “He’s so sweet!”, “I hope this is the one that takes me out of this world of fuckbois, players, creeps and losers!”.

No. Don’t do it to yourself, just don’t! Expect nothing!

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OK not nothing. Expect to meet a random stranger and get to know them. Don’t expect that this date will be the last first date, that you won’t come home at 8.30 and log straight back onto the dating site and look for more matches. Expect online dating to be your future for at least a year, and (I know this bit is hard) try to enjoy it!

When you change your expectations from meeting a potential boyfriend or future husband, whatever you’re aiming for in this crazy world, to just meeting someone new for a chat…expectation causes a lot of problems.

When you don’t already have this person tagged with a potential boyfriend label, it’s much easier to see the guy for what he is; player, manipulator, ‘Nice Guy’, fuckboi, or someone with potential. You can leave the nerves behind and be a little more blase, reserved and careful with your own heart.

Online dating can be soul destroying if you let it, so protect yourself and don’t have too many expectations. Doing this is difficult, it might take being chewed up and spat out as it did for me to take a step back and tame my expectations. But maybe being played was a blessing in disguise…

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Bitches Be Crazy? My Fine Ass! The Aftermath.

I wish I could say I didn’t give a shit. I wish I could say for absolute certain that this guy was messing me around and I definitely did the right thing. I wish I could say I knew this guy is a manipulative fuckwit, but I think it’s entirely possible he was just totally oblivious.

Honestly, I think the whole thing was a total clusterfuck. There was too much, too soon – too much intimacy, too much expectation. When something starts with that much intensity, you expect it to carry on.

I don’t really blame myself; you meet someone you like so much, someone with that much potential, someone who ticks every box, someone you’re ridiculously compatable with… you get swept up in it all. I’m just hideously disappointed that it didn’t work out, and it won’t work out. Once you get the label of insane, that’s it, it’s done. You’re a write off.

It feels like I’d just found out I had won the lottery, I was just about to get handed a cheque for £12million, and the wind ripped it out of my grasp and carried away the idea of my exciting new life.

As silly as it might sound, I’m grieving. I’m not grieving the loss of the relationship, there was no relationship, but there was the potential for one. A lot of potential. I had real hope that this would be it, I don’t have to trawl dating sites any more, that I could have someone to share my life with and give my ridiculous amount of affection to. My hope has been shattered, and it’s taken a lot of me with it. Right now, I’m paralysed with a lack of motivation. All I want to do is sit on the sofa, smoking too much and wallowing in self-pity. I know I should get back out there, but I don’t feel ready. It feels like a break up, and I’m still hung up on the guy. Or the idea of the guy…

The kicker? About an hour after we called it quits on our…whatever it was, I got a text. Why is it all the bastards get the girls and he, a nice guy, winds up on the sidelines? I responded with no hard feelings. I explained where it all went wrong with us. It was pretty clear; I think going from that much intensity, attention and a strong implication that this will wind up being a good relationship with a guy I could be really crazy about, and that he could be absolutely crazy about me, to absolutely nothing; no contact, indifference, forgetfulness, would bring crippling insecurity and anxiety in even the most self-assured women, I think. Am I wrong?

In his eyes, I over-reacted. I think I agree, from his perspective anyway. I forget that men don’t do hints, no matter how hard you batter them around the head with it. In order to feel secure, I needed him to make the effort of planning another date with me. I thought I made that clear, but apparently not – by the end of our argument, I still don’t think he understood why I decided to end it.

I made a lot of mistakes, but I’m not blaming myelf here. I’m not blaming him either. We both had a major part in constructing the intensity and expectation. I allowed myself to trust in it and got carried away, but you do that when you think you’re on the same page with someone. I may not have been clear enough about my need for contact from him.

But I do blame him for not taking any responsibility. I take my share of the responsiblity, the end of this non-relationship is down to both of us. I might have, after his continual references to women being crazy, sent him a 6 text lecture about taking responsibility for his behaviour. You behave like a disinterested, manipulative bastard, you’ll get treated like a disinterested, manipulative bastard and it’s no real surprise that women will be pissed at you for behaving that way, for peaking their interest, allowing them to feel safe, and then eventually for making them feel like a mug for believing the hype. That’s not women being insane, that’s women feeling duped.