Asking What It Is, Isn’t the Same as Asking What It Isn’t

In my last post I was agonising over what may or may not happen with a guy I had a date with. It’s agonising because you deserve to know where you stand, but you don’t want to put pressure onto a very new, very fragile relationship.

In the end, I wound up going down my usual route and asking him straight up whether he was after something ‘casual’ with me. At this point I thought I knew the answer already. But I’ve thought that before, and I was wrong before.

On our second meeting the affection was easier and more forthcoming than ever. He educated me in the music of Lonely Island, Steel Panther and a band whose name I can’t remember, and if I could, I wouldn’t be able to spell it. We agreed I, Frankenstein was a terrible film. He expressed apparently genuine concern when my back was aching. But most of all, he had agreed to see me again after I had thrown up in front of him, cosied up with him in the most appallingly boxy, cutesy nightdress and after I passed out on him (literally on him) on our first date. I know I would‘ve ‘lost‘ his number after just one of these social faux pas. So when he asked me what was on my mind, I just came out with it;

“I’m trying to figure out how to say this without sounding like a tit…this isn’t a friends with benefits arrangement, is it?”

There were clues on my part that I didn’t want it to be, of course. I’m not a robot, I was tired and my brain was whizzing at about a hundred miles an hour about the implications of the question I was trying to ask, and about the potential fallout if I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for.

However, I feel this was about the best way I could have done it. It’s difficult for me, living with uncertainty. I’m not a very patient person; I want answers and I want them now! I don’t think it’s fair to have to play it cool and wait for someone to let you know their intentions. Who knows how long that could take and how invested you could get over a casual affair? It also didn’t put pressure on him to actually define the relationship, as it would if I had said something like;

“Where do you see this going?” or “So are we a couple or what?”

I didn’t need him to say ‘I want to have your babies’, because that would be weird. I just wanted some clarification that he’s on the same page as I am; I think we’re compatible, we have similar interests, we share a sense of humour, we find each other damn sexy and I think we could, if things continue as well as they are, have a pretty good relationship.

Soddinl: “…this isn’t a friends with benefits arrangement, is it?”

Date: “I hope not!”

So, I think I’ve managed to get the uncertainty cleared up without coming off like a bunny boiler, and now I can enjoy the excitement and butterflies of hanging out with someone I really like!

 

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2 thoughts on “Asking What It Is, Isn’t the Same as Asking What It Isn’t

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