Monthly Archives: July 2014

Hey! Fancy a Fuck?

I don’t know if I’m surprised or not. I mean, dating sites are easy ways to hook up aren’t they? But does any girl ever actually put out because a guy showed the slightest bit of interest and said ‘Hey’.

They always seem really surprised when I don’t literally fall to my knees, thankful for the attention and go get it on with a stranger that has literally said 5 words to me before insinuating a hook up, one would assume in the privacy of one of our homes, or perhaps they were thinking somewhere classy like a car park in the back of their old style corsa?

You meet a guy on the internet, a place where we all know is full of the insane, some in a nice way, some slightly more psychotic, many just plainly awkward, oblivious and/or slightly fucked up (raises hand). You barely exchange pleasantries let alone anything else, and invite them over to your place for a bit of action?

There was an article in the local papers recently about an ex-nurse who attempted to meet a girl off the internet. Fine, great, no big deal. He was intending to cannibalise her. He told her so, apparently. Strange she never showed, but the police did…

So, I’m more confident now than I ever have been I know my worth, it takes a little more than ‘Hey (babe/gorgeous/sexy..etc)’ to get me to throw caution out the window and drop my pants. Not much more, admittedly, we’ve all made drunken mistakes. But usually it takes attraction, rapport, humour, feeling safe/comfortable and/or a shitload of alcohol. ‘Hey babe’ just doesn’t really cut it, and I can’t see it ever will (but, never say never, right?).

There was one guy who I would normally have veered away from. Copied and pasted witty one liner opening – I figured he put in a little effort at least. After a couple of messages of witty banter and an explanation from him that he just wanted a bit of fun (meh, at least he was honest), he proceeded to send me pictures of his junk. Then ridiculed me when I refused to send photos of mine. Apparently that makes me ‘no fun’ and ‘boring’. Insults are always the best way to win a girl over apparently.

Being a fan of lectures these days, I gave him the honour of an education. Had this worked well for him before? No? Shocker. Here’s why not. I’m not just a vagina, fuckwit! His answer was ‘But I just wanted a bit of fun!’. Great, me too! Except I prefer to be viewed as a human being with a personality rather than literally a hole that’s a goal. Bless him *rolls eyes* He was educated in grammar school too. My grammar school. Standards have clearly slipped.

 

Bitches Be Crazy? My Fine Ass! The Aftermath.

I wish I could say I didn’t give a shit. I wish I could say for absolute certain that this guy was messing me around and I definitely did the right thing. I wish I could say I knew this guy is a manipulative fuckwit, but I think it’s entirely possible he was just totally oblivious.

Honestly, I think the whole thing was a total clusterfuck. There was too much, too soon – too much intimacy, too much expectation. When something starts with that much intensity, you expect it to carry on.

I don’t really blame myself; you meet someone you like so much, someone with that much potential, someone who ticks every box, someone you’re ridiculously compatable with… you get swept up in it all. I’m just hideously disappointed that it didn’t work out, and it won’t work out. Once you get the label of insane, that’s it, it’s done. You’re a write off.

It feels like I’d just found out I had won the lottery, I was just about to get handed a cheque for £12million, and the wind ripped it out of my grasp and carried away the idea of my exciting new life.

As silly as it might sound, I’m grieving. I’m not grieving the loss of the relationship, there was no relationship, but there was the potential for one. A lot of potential. I had real hope that this would be it, I don’t have to trawl dating sites any more, that I could have someone to share my life with and give my ridiculous amount of affection to. My hope has been shattered, and it’s taken a lot of me with it. Right now, I’m paralysed with a lack of motivation. All I want to do is sit on the sofa, smoking too much and wallowing in self-pity. I know I should get back out there, but I don’t feel ready. It feels like a break up, and I’m still hung up on the guy. Or the idea of the guy…

The kicker? About an hour after we called it quits on our…whatever it was, I got a text. Why is it all the bastards get the girls and he, a nice guy, winds up on the sidelines? I responded with no hard feelings. I explained where it all went wrong with us. It was pretty clear; I think going from that much intensity, attention and a strong implication that this will wind up being a good relationship with a guy I could be really crazy about, and that he could be absolutely crazy about me, to absolutely nothing; no contact, indifference, forgetfulness, would bring crippling insecurity and anxiety in even the most self-assured women, I think. Am I wrong?

In his eyes, I over-reacted. I think I agree, from his perspective anyway. I forget that men don’t do hints, no matter how hard you batter them around the head with it. In order to feel secure, I needed him to make the effort of planning another date with me. I thought I made that clear, but apparently not – by the end of our argument, I still don’t think he understood why I decided to end it.

I made a lot of mistakes, but I’m not blaming myelf here. I’m not blaming him either. We both had a major part in constructing the intensity and expectation. I allowed myself to trust in it and got carried away, but you do that when you think you’re on the same page with someone. I may not have been clear enough about my need for contact from him.

But I do blame him for not taking any responsibility. I take my share of the responsiblity, the end of this non-relationship is down to both of us. I might have, after his continual references to women being crazy, sent him a 6 text lecture about taking responsibility for his behaviour. You behave like a disinterested, manipulative bastard, you’ll get treated like a disinterested, manipulative bastard and it’s no real surprise that women will be pissed at you for behaving that way, for peaking their interest, allowing them to feel safe, and then eventually for making them feel like a mug for believing the hype. That’s not women being insane, that’s women feeling duped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bitches Be Crazy? My Fine Ass! Part 2

Here’s Bitches Be Crazy? My Fine Ass! Part 1

“Look, be straight with me here. Do you want to see me again? I’m guessing not…”

I’ve been messed around before. Numerous times. I know the drill by now. Guys promise you the world to get what they want. They keep you hooked, pay you just enough attention to keep you thinking they’re into you, but they’re non committal. You don’t hear from them when they’re thinking of you, because they’re not thinking of you. You hear from them when they’re bored and they want more. They don’t make plans in advance; if they do, they flake on you if they can’t be bothered with the hassle or if they have a better offer. They often don’t bother to let you know. Forgive me for fearing the worst when this is classic manipulator behaviour.

He got offended when I asked. Sha. Right. As if he didn’t want to see me again! Because not getting in contact, FORGETTING OUR DATE and No Plans Made to see me again is entirely the behaviour of a man desperate to see me.

I left it open for him to make plans with me, giving him the benefit of the doubt. I trusted him on Sunday when he said it wasn’t casual, all that intimacy and affection has to mean something, doesn’t it? I hope so…

I couldn’t get some very important words out of my head, though.

“If he doesn’t talk to you, He’s Just Not That Into You.”

“If he forgets about spending time with you, He’s Just Not That Into You.” 

 

I made sure I kept myself busy on Saturday. I couldn’t sit at home and mull it over any more. I went to the gym, I had a free tango class (awesome!) and I had work. I didn’t hear from him Saturday either. I can’t say I expected to…I thought I’d give it another shot though; inspired by tango class I checked out local dance classes; a salsa class was happening on his day off, so I asked him if he was free that day.

No. No, he’s going to London for 3 days including the day I specified. There’s some news! This is brand new information! I’m frustrated and annoyed he didn’t bother telling me about this nugget when I suggested he make some plans to see me. The benefit of the doubt is wearing thin now, but I think fine, OK., find out when he’s free, we’ll go from there.

 

“Not sure when I’m free next…will let you know…”

 

Stunned somewhat, and yet not quite surprised, I decide enough is enough. I’m being well and truly blown off. So, I tell him.

“Dude. Whatever. I’m Done.”

And he’s pissed. He’s really, really pissed. He misses the point. He thinks I don’t believe he was working. Then he thinks I’m blaming him for having to cover a shift which was a problem for our forgotten plans that night. Then he can’t comprehend why I don’t understand him forgetting our date, as I should know what it’s like, having a terrible memory myself. Forgetting, yeah it’s a big deal, but I don’t think that was the most upsetting part. I don’t know about other people, but when I forget something like hanging out with someone, especially someone that I like to be with, I’m embarrassed, frustrated and angry with myself, I apologise profusely and I promise to make it up to them, and I do make it up to them. None of that happened…

Actions speak louder than words, I tell him. All I’ve had in the past week is blow-off behaviour and no contact. I can’t be wasting my time dealing with a guy who can’t or won’t see me. I can have the same effect; being alone, by myself without the stress.

He gives some explanation, and I begin to melt a little. Maybe I was wrong? He’s really upset that I didn’t believe his intentions were as he said on Sunday, that he really liked me, that he really wanted to see me again. I explain my rationale; he didn’t get in contact, he hasn’t made plans with me, and he forgot our date and every time I suggest for him to make plans with me, or attempt to make plans with him, it’s blow off behaviour without explanation. No “I’m so sorry baby, I’m really packed this week, can we make it next week?” No “This sucks, but my rota is going to be unpredictable when I come back from London, how’s next week instead?” This, to me, means I’m being messed around. I tried, and succeeded, I think, to be reasonable and rational throughout the argument, but he wouldn’t have any of it. I’m “way over-reacting”. It all ends the same way, doesn’t it? The only explanation…

                                                                  “Women are fucking insane!”

So, here we have a week in the life of a sane, rational twenty-something girl who was on the verge of psychosis. All it takes is your words and body to say one thing, and your behaviour to say something completely different.

Bitches Be Crazy? My Fine Ass! Part 1.

The last couple of posts (here and here) concerned a guy I’ve been dating, and trying to figure out if he wanted to pursue something potentially serious, or just a casual thing. Turns out he wanted something a little more serious! Sorted! Excitement!

After a night of constant touching, hugging, flirting, making out and…the rest, his last words on 8.30am Monday were;

“I’ll text you about [planning our date] Saturday.”

Awesome! So much awesome. I’m so damn pleased with myself I think I’m going to explode in a fit of happy.

The rest of the day Monday and I don’t hear from him, I’m not too worried. He worked a long double shift, we had just seen each other, all good.

Tuesday rolls by and nothing. Hm. OK. I figured I’d get a text by now. Nothing major just something like “Hey gorgeous, how you doing? Was great seeing you the other day xxx”, but, nevermind. Still early days and again he was working late, not too big a deal.

Wednesday goes by and I’m wondering what’s up. Still no text, no fb message…has he changed his mind? Has he freaked out? Has he found someone else? He gets in from work and appears on facebook chat, so I message him. He says;

“Sup hun”

Oh. Fuck. Prior to this conversation it was “Hey gorgeous!” – you know, excitement and flattery, this seemed more ‘Oh, it’s you’. But OK, may be over-analysing a little…

We have a general chit chat about our days. It doesn’t go as I’d hoped. No flirting, no real conversation…I dropped a few ego massagers for him, but nothing returned for me. I decided to call it quits with;

“Time for bed. Kinda wish you were here. You give good hugs!”

I expected a number of responses from;

“I’ll be right over!”

“So do you! And the other stuff too ;)” 

“Aw sweetie, you can have as many hugs as you want on Saturday!”

I did not expect;

“Hahaha 🙂 Night xxx”

Wtf…WTF?! *deep breath* OK, OK. Trying to reason here; it was late, he was tired. DO NOT OVER-ANALYSE!

Thursday. No text. No fb message. Nothing.

Friday, I’m half expecting a message;

“So, about Saturday…Something came up, sozzle x :)”

Even that didn’t come. I’m going a little mental by this point. Why. The Fuck. Hasn’t He Text Me?

After consultation with (many) friends, I text him.

“Hey, still on for tomorrow? x” 

I get a response, at least. He forgot. He might be working. He’ll find out tomorrow. Doesn’t say he’ll let me know. No apologies. No attempt to rearrange. Cannot. Believe. This. Shit.

I have a terrible memory too, but I’ve been so excited about seeing him again, I can barely think of anything else, and…he forgot?

After a to and fro over text, and No Plans Made, I ask what any rational and completely sane person would ask of the guy who didn’t want a casual thing, but didn’t get in contact, FORGOT OUR DATE and hasn’t attempted to rearrange…

“Look, be straight with me here. Do you want to see me again? I’m guessing not…”

Part 2 is here.

 

 

Asking What It Is, Isn’t the Same as Asking What It Isn’t

In my last post I was agonising over what may or may not happen with a guy I had a date with. It’s agonising because you deserve to know where you stand, but you don’t want to put pressure onto a very new, very fragile relationship.

In the end, I wound up going down my usual route and asking him straight up whether he was after something ‘casual’ with me. At this point I thought I knew the answer already. But I’ve thought that before, and I was wrong before.

On our second meeting the affection was easier and more forthcoming than ever. He educated me in the music of Lonely Island, Steel Panther and a band whose name I can’t remember, and if I could, I wouldn’t be able to spell it. We agreed I, Frankenstein was a terrible film. He expressed apparently genuine concern when my back was aching. But most of all, he had agreed to see me again after I had thrown up in front of him, cosied up with him in the most appallingly boxy, cutesy nightdress and after I passed out on him (literally on him) on our first date. I know I would‘ve ‘lost‘ his number after just one of these social faux pas. So when he asked me what was on my mind, I just came out with it;

“I’m trying to figure out how to say this without sounding like a tit…this isn’t a friends with benefits arrangement, is it?”

There were clues on my part that I didn’t want it to be, of course. I’m not a robot, I was tired and my brain was whizzing at about a hundred miles an hour about the implications of the question I was trying to ask, and about the potential fallout if I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for.

However, I feel this was about the best way I could have done it. It’s difficult for me, living with uncertainty. I’m not a very patient person; I want answers and I want them now! I don’t think it’s fair to have to play it cool and wait for someone to let you know their intentions. Who knows how long that could take and how invested you could get over a casual affair? It also didn’t put pressure on him to actually define the relationship, as it would if I had said something like;

“Where do you see this going?” or “So are we a couple or what?”

I didn’t need him to say ‘I want to have your babies’, because that would be weird. I just wanted some clarification that he’s on the same page as I am; I think we’re compatible, we have similar interests, we share a sense of humour, we find each other damn sexy and I think we could, if things continue as well as they are, have a pretty good relationship.

Soddinl: “…this isn’t a friends with benefits arrangement, is it?”

Date: “I hope not!”

So, I think I’ve managed to get the uncertainty cleared up without coming off like a bunny boiler, and now I can enjoy the excitement and butterflies of hanging out with someone I really like!

 

Good Dates are More Terrifying Than Bad Dates

This time round I’ve only been dating a few months. I’ve had my share of bad dates and some that were ultimately forgettable.

Chances are, unless you’re dating someone completely oblivious, your date will know that you are not a good match, that you won’t be contacting them again and often, you can get away without outright rejecting each other with that awkward conversation at the end of the night, or the next day.

Needless to say, I have had a couple of dates who did seem completely oblivious, and the conversation had to be done, which is a blog post in itself…

This past weekend though, I had the much sought after good date. There wasn’t a moment of silence past the initial slightly awkward walk to the bar, not quite knowing what to say to each other and trying to stick to small talk, which I admit, I utterly suck at. We had a similar sense of humour and laughed all night, he was a gentleman and offered to buy all the rounds. I did manage to convince him that I should buy at least one though. I got good vibes from the guy and felt ridiculously comfortable in the presence of this stranger which for me, is a big deal.

Physical intimacy can be quite difficult for me with people; not sex, but hugs, caresses, invasions of personal space; I‘m generally pretty reserved. By the end of the night I was draped over his shoulder. Had we not taken it back to my place, onlookers would’ve been thinking ‘Jesus, get a room!’. He was equally affectionate, and very complimentary despite my messy, alcohol addled state.

The days after were terrifying. They still are even though we’ve arranged to hang out again already. When I like someone, I jump in with both feet, and if they don’t like me, or if they do like me but don’t want the same things I want, there’s no bones about it, I get hurt. A lot. This post resonated a lot with me today.

I do know my worth, and I won’t be settling if this guy doesn’t want what I would like with him. I already have a way of sorting out my physical needs, I want someone to help me with my emotional needs; a good guy to hang out and have fun with, laugh with each other, share experiences with, travel with and be a shoulder to cry on during the utterly shitty days where you just might not survive without a hug.

It can be complicated though, working out what the guy wants. A straight up conversation about it is a bit scary, possibly bunny boiler-esque, especially this early on. But I need to know what he’s hoping to get out of this, so I don’t get any more invested than I already am…

I’ve learned, through my dating experience, actions speak louder than words. It’s easy to get caught up in flattery and easy intimacy, then be dumbfounded when the words were just lip service. But I’m going to try my best at chilling out and going with the flow, as anti-me as that is.

Edit: There’s an update right here! 

How Women Wind Up Being Bitches

Chances are if you’re female, you’ve been in this situation. You’re a friendly person, you smile at a guy, you say ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ and you’re generally friendly, jovial and nice.

Turns out, this is flirting. You’ve just given the guy the green light to pursue you.

You might be oblivious at first, you were just being nice after all. You can be friends with men without considering them as sexual partners. I’m not entirely confident that men can be friends with women without at least an element of attraction. It’s that old ‘When Harry Met Sally’ debate.

So, the guy thinks you want him. It takes a lot of convincing on your part that really, you don’t. That you were truly just being nice. You’re concerned though, you want to let him down easy; rejection isn’t fun for anyone, including the rejecter.

You politely decline date requests, ignore his implications that more fun is to be had at his place, you might even have to struggle with him in a deeply uncomfortable ‘play fight’ and again, politely request that he keep his goddamn mitts off you, that you don’t appreciate it.

But hey, you were nice to him right? All those denials mean you’re just being coy, or playing hard to get. Maybe you’re even being a *gasp* prick tease! (Robin Thicke inexplicably popped into my head there…)

After one too many ‘play fights’, inappropriate hugs and perhaps even an attempt to grab your face and struggle to kiss you, you’re probably gonna have to bring out the Bitch card. You’ve tried to be nice, and look where that’s got you.

The ultimate rejection has to be cold, it has to be hard, and most importantly, it has to set boundaries.

After the attempted kiss scenario, mine read;

“I was deeply unimpressed with how last night unfolded. I know I said we should hang out, but that won’t be happening.”

What I really wanted to say;

“What the FUCK is wrong with you, dickhead? When did I give any impression that I wanted you to touch me? Was it when I told you I didn’t want to come back to your place? Was it when I said no to you coming back to mine? Was it even when I was struggling, backing up and saying ‘really, this is happening?! REALLY?!’ when you attempted to forcibly shove your tongue in my mouth?? I felt violated, you absolute delusional prick. Get the FUCK out of my life.”

So, the first message, I feel, was quite restrained. But I’m sure to that guy, it probably made me a bitch.